I Just Wanted to Say…

I’ve been blogging a little more regularly lately and promoting this blog a little more widely, and I’ve been really surprised and touched by the responses I’ve gotten here and elsewhere.

Ever since my high school abusive relationship ended, sexuality has been central to who I am, what I care about, and how I approach the world. Such that you couldn’t really know me without knowing how much work I put into both healing from trauma and exploring and celebrating my desires.

And yet, somewhere along the line, I think I had internalized the message that this thing about me, this thing that is core to me, was something icky and unseemly. Something that had at all costs to be hidden from work, family, and all but a few vetted friends. And you know… I don’t really want work reading what I write here. I’m not really ready to discuss it with my family. And there might be real-world consequences if the wrong people find out. (Not too many for me at this point, as far as I know, but I don’t want to minimize the ways that there can be consequences to being publicly visible as kinky or make presumptions about how other people should handle this stuff.)

But the past couple of weeks, as I’ve written more and shared more openly, I’ve felt some of my loneliness start to ease up. The other day, an old acquaintance, someone to whom I hadn’t spoken in years, whose relationship to sexuality I know nothing about, followed a link to this blog on Facebook and commented sweetly and positively about it.

I literally wept in my hands. All I could think was, all these years, I’ve kept this stuff hidden… at great cost… and for what?

I’m still figuring out exactly how open I want to be (you may notice that I’m not sharing much about the context in which I’ve made these choices), but I’m feeling really gratified and inspired and moved by what’s happened so far. And I hope that it’s also been useful and meaningful for you.

 

2 thoughts on “I Just Wanted to Say…

  1. hey megan — have been reading your blog since the beginning, also via facebook, and thought this would be an appropriate post to comment on for the first time 🙂 you’re so brave for putting this out there. I’m starting to accept how important it is to me to have a clear and confident sexual identity . . . I think for a long time it didn’t feel worth putting time/effort into (which I guess is really just a manifestation of low self-worth) — anyway, your candidness is amazing. I saw this woman [http://www.mollena.com/] speak at a variety performance show thing a couple months ago and I’ve been enjoying her blog as well — thought I’d pass it along in case her story resonated w/ you too. look forward to reading/commenting more . . .

    • Hi Vani,

      Just discovered your comment now – it had gotten caught in my spam filters. I think there are a lot of pressures that tell us that sexuality isn’t worth putting time and effort into (and if you do, it’s unprofessional, slutty, fulfilling stereotypes, shallow, anti-intellectual, tacky, or otherwise unworthy), and it can be hard to combat. I’m excited that you’re reading, and thanks for saying so.

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